I have not blogged this week because I just wasn't sure I had any words. I didn't feel like there was anything good, purposeful, enlightening, or happy that I could say. I have just felt like a rollercoaster of emotions! Plain and simple, my heart has just felt heavy. You know the feeling? Like someone punched you in the gut. That constant lump in your throat. That uneasy stomach because something just isn't right.
So, what was causing all of these terrible thoughts and feelings?!
WORRY! Yes, by nature, I am one of those people who just worries. I find myself worrying about the silliest of things. Things that I have absolutely NO control over!! This would be one thing I would love to just magically change about myself, but for some reason I always find myself right back in this miserable state.
So, what am I worried about?!
My girls! The very second I saw that word "PREGNANT" on the test, I felt like I was carrying this weight on my shoulders. I felt solely responsible for the teeny tiny little life that was inside of me! I feared my entire pregnancy something would go wrong. It was like I just knew it was all too good to be true! I remember thinking, "I just can't wait until I can hold my baby, then I won't have to worry anymore". Well, the second I got to touch my sweet girls, its like the worry grew even stronger. I am one of those moms who checks if her baby is breathing throughout the night. I worry about how many ounces of milk they are drinking. I worry about the type of detergent my baby's clothes are washed in. I am scared of the germs on the high chair at the restaurant. Yes, I am out of my mind, crazy about worrying!
Earlier in the week, I had a few concerns about Addi. I was up all night worrying about every detail of this "problem" I really was not even sure was a problem. I made myself sick to my stomach and cried a lot of totally unnecessary tears. I called one of my great friends, who is also a nurse, and sobbed on the phone to her. She kept reassuring me I was worrying for nothing, and offered to come over to ease my fears. I TOTALLY trust her opinion, but for some reason, I was just not finding comfort. I needed more assurance. So, the next day we went to the doctor. I sat in the exam room and sobbed. The doctor basically looked at me and told me I was crazy! I am sure she was thinking "the child is fine... but you are the nut case lady"! She told me I was worrying for nothing, but that she would refer me to a specialist if I wanted further confirmation. So, of course, I got in the car, pulled out my cell phone and called the specialist. I told the receptionist that answered the phone that I needed an appointment THIS week. She chuckled and told me that the doctor could see me in March and that the cost to even walk in the door was $400. MARCH??? $400???? Was she really serious? I hung up the phone even more upset.
But then it was like I felt this small whisper from God. "Stop. Just stop. Quit worrying. I am in control. Cast all of your cares upon me!" For the first time in 48 hours, I think I took a deep breath. I took a step back and reflected on the words I had just heard. I felt this peace I had not felt in a long time. I began to cry, but this time they were tears of thankfulness, not fear. Thankfulness that I have a God I can depend on. A God who knows my heart. A God who knows all of my fears. And, a God who cares about each one of them. BUT, ultimately He is a God who is in control of it all!
Even before conception, MY God had a plan for both of my girls. Alexa and Addilyn were born for a purpose. A purpose that my crazy, obsessive, worrying will not change. My constant fear will not enhance the purpose God has set out for each one of them. I can not find my comfort in what the doctor says or doesn't say. My comfort must come from Him!
It's ok for me to be cautious and take responsible action for my girls, but I must KNOW that ultimately it is out of my control. What a burden that lifts from my heart!!!! Its hard for me to realize sometimes that I am not in control. BUT, what an amazing promise to hold on to. Our God does not go off duty. He never takes a break. He is a GOOD God and He does GOOD!
Lord, please use my life and the life of my girls to bring YOU glory!! Let us praise You in whatever season we may be in. Take my fear, my worry, my idea that I am in control and crush it all! Give me peace to know that You are a mighty, powerful God who loves me and wants the best for my life, even if its not what I think or what the world thinks is best. Your plan is all that matters. And as I pray this with a heavy heart, its a heart of thankfullness and gratitude for the amazing comfort that you bring. THANK YOU for trusting me with these precious girls, but constantly remind me that all of our trust needs to lie in YOU! You are a GOOD God! Amen.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Friday, November 5, 2010
the friday five.
Here are five random thoughts, memories, ideas, etc. for the week........
1. I am so thankful for the amazing husband that God has blessed me with!! Not only is he smokin' hot ;-), he is just an all around top notch kind of guy!!! He is so genuine, honest, humble, giving, loving, and just a true man of God! He has a heart of gold!!! He's such a great daddy and loves his baby girls with everything in him!!
One thing that is very important to my man is a clean house. He functions much better when things are in order! Well, for those of you who know me, you know that housework is not really one of my strong suits {to be frank, I could care a less about it!! There are so many other things that take priority than a clean house or folded laundry}. So, we have never had a spotless house, but since Addi's arrival, the housework has taken a back, back, baaaaack seat to everything else!! Basically it hasn't even been on the to-do list in my mind. It's been pretty much out of control!
But, being the awesome man he is, he has been SOOOOOOOOOO patient with me!!! I know he cringes most days when he walks in the house, but he hasn't said a word. He knows my life is crazy right now and that I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. He has no idea how much his patience has eased my stress level. I KNOW our house in desperate need for a deep cleaning, but at the end of the day, happy, well taken care of babies are all that matter!! He has definitely stepped up and picked up the slack where I have let off.
One night this week, he came home and dinner was cooking in the crock pot. He walked right up to me, gave me a hug and a kiss, and said "coming home to the smell of dinner cooking is so wonderful"! He told me that earlier in the day he wanted to ask what we were having for dinner, but he didn't want to stress me out if I didn't have anything planned. He said he had already prepared himself that he was not going to upset if we were getting take-out from somewhere because he knew I had a lot on my plate!!
I so wish I had the time/energy to keep a spotless house, have dinner prepared every night, and never have any clean laundry waiting in the dryer to be folded, but the fact is, at this stage in my life I just don't! I am so thankful he has been so understanding and has not gotten frusturated with me {or if he has, he hasn't let me know it}. For that reason, and soooooooooo many others, I love him so much!!!
Baby, you are the best! God truly answered all of my prayers!! Thank you so much for your patience and understanding! I promise you, one day, you will have a spotless house!! {our kids may be in college, or maybe its because you finally got me that maid I've been dreaming of, but one day it will happen}. I love you more than you can imagine!!
{and for those of you who are wondering, YES, we did get take-out the next night!!! He shouldn't have told me he didn't mind!! ;-)}
2. After 20 months, my sister and I FINALLY discovered a good way to "shop" {the only way to shop with 2 toddlers and a newborn}! We made a quick run to the outlet mall and attempted taking the girls in one store. They ran around like maniacs.... Alexa stole a balloon, they picked out everything they thought was "cute", and they tried to befriend another little girl that was less than excited about them. So, at the next stop, we tried this....
YES, we put them in the back of the car with an "Olivia" dvd and a box of goldfish! Ashley and I took turns going on the store, while the other supervised the big girls and held baby Addi! It worked like a charm. Having 30 minutes of uninterrupted shopping is unheard of these days!! I have a feeling there are more shopping trips like this in our near future!!!
3. On top of having a little fever virus, Alexa Jayne is cutting FOUR new teeth.... the last four before the next set of molars!! The top two "pointy" ones {yes, I'm so technical} are almost in, but she still has a way to go on the bottom ones! Her gums are sooooooooo red and swollen... it just looks like pure misery!!! So, needless to say, her attitude has been less than desirable this entire week! Hopefully, fingers crossed, those little suckers will just pop through fast and we can move on with life!! I miss my happy, go-lucky, crazy girl!!!
This week, she also learned she could do this...
Yes, I know she will kill me one day for this, but I just couldn't resist! We were driving in the car and I looked back at her in the rear view mirror and this is what I saw!! She has never really done this before, its like she just figured it out!! I was crying I was laughing so hard!!! I had to snap a picture and send it directly to her Daddy and her Pops!! I knew they would love it!!!
4. I know I talked about it on the previous post, but its big news in the Walker house this week, so I will talk about it again! Addi Joy turned two months yesterday!! I think we are finally over the hump of those crazy newborn days!!! She is really starting to "talk" more and more. This morning the girls {I love the sound of that} and I were cuddling in my bed!! Alexa kept telling Addi "good morning" in the silliest, high pitched voice. Addi was smiling like crazy and trying to talk back!!! Its so funny when they try so hard to get a noise out, and when they finally do its like they almost scare themselves. It was such a sweet moment. I so badly wanted to run and get my camera to capture it, but it was one of those moments I didn't want to miss a second of either!!! Such a special time!
5. Today, our little dog Lucy turned 5!!! Although, with each new addition to our family, Lucy has moved down the totum pole, she will always have a special place in our heart! She was my Christmas present from Jonathan right before we got married!!! That is why its so hard for me to believe she is 5!!!! Just seems crazy that our 5 year anniversary is coming up! Lucy is quite the diva dog {she sleeps in our bed and will only drink water from a drinking glass}, but she has been amazing with our girls!!! Alexa tortures her all day long.... its like she loves Lucy so much, she just wants to smother her! Lucy is so patient with her, and in return Alexa shares a lot of food with her!! Alexa wakes up every morning asking for Lucy!!! They really are great friends!!!
1. I am so thankful for the amazing husband that God has blessed me with!! Not only is he smokin' hot ;-), he is just an all around top notch kind of guy!!! He is so genuine, honest, humble, giving, loving, and just a true man of God! He has a heart of gold!!! He's such a great daddy and loves his baby girls with everything in him!!
One thing that is very important to my man is a clean house. He functions much better when things are in order! Well, for those of you who know me, you know that housework is not really one of my strong suits {to be frank, I could care a less about it!! There are so many other things that take priority than a clean house or folded laundry}. So, we have never had a spotless house, but since Addi's arrival, the housework has taken a back, back, baaaaack seat to everything else!! Basically it hasn't even been on the to-do list in my mind. It's been pretty much out of control!
But, being the awesome man he is, he has been SOOOOOOOOOO patient with me!!! I know he cringes most days when he walks in the house, but he hasn't said a word. He knows my life is crazy right now and that I feel like I am being pulled in a million directions. He has no idea how much his patience has eased my stress level. I KNOW our house in desperate need for a deep cleaning, but at the end of the day, happy, well taken care of babies are all that matter!! He has definitely stepped up and picked up the slack where I have let off.
One night this week, he came home and dinner was cooking in the crock pot. He walked right up to me, gave me a hug and a kiss, and said "coming home to the smell of dinner cooking is so wonderful"! He told me that earlier in the day he wanted to ask what we were having for dinner, but he didn't want to stress me out if I didn't have anything planned. He said he had already prepared himself that he was not going to upset if we were getting take-out from somewhere because he knew I had a lot on my plate!!
I so wish I had the time/energy to keep a spotless house, have dinner prepared every night, and never have any clean laundry waiting in the dryer to be folded, but the fact is, at this stage in my life I just don't! I am so thankful he has been so understanding and has not gotten frusturated with me {or if he has, he hasn't let me know it}. For that reason, and soooooooooo many others, I love him so much!!!
Baby, you are the best! God truly answered all of my prayers!! Thank you so much for your patience and understanding! I promise you, one day, you will have a spotless house!! {our kids may be in college, or maybe its because you finally got me that maid I've been dreaming of, but one day it will happen}. I love you more than you can imagine!!
{and for those of you who are wondering, YES, we did get take-out the next night!!! He shouldn't have told me he didn't mind!! ;-)}
2. After 20 months, my sister and I FINALLY discovered a good way to "shop" {the only way to shop with 2 toddlers and a newborn}! We made a quick run to the outlet mall and attempted taking the girls in one store. They ran around like maniacs.... Alexa stole a balloon, they picked out everything they thought was "cute", and they tried to befriend another little girl that was less than excited about them. So, at the next stop, we tried this....
YES, we put them in the back of the car with an "Olivia" dvd and a box of goldfish! Ashley and I took turns going on the store, while the other supervised the big girls and held baby Addi! It worked like a charm. Having 30 minutes of uninterrupted shopping is unheard of these days!! I have a feeling there are more shopping trips like this in our near future!!!
3. On top of having a little fever virus, Alexa Jayne is cutting FOUR new teeth.... the last four before the next set of molars!! The top two "pointy" ones {yes, I'm so technical} are almost in, but she still has a way to go on the bottom ones! Her gums are sooooooooo red and swollen... it just looks like pure misery!!! So, needless to say, her attitude has been less than desirable this entire week! Hopefully, fingers crossed, those little suckers will just pop through fast and we can move on with life!! I miss my happy, go-lucky, crazy girl!!!
This week, she also learned she could do this...
4. I know I talked about it on the previous post, but its big news in the Walker house this week, so I will talk about it again! Addi Joy turned two months yesterday!! I think we are finally over the hump of those crazy newborn days!!! She is really starting to "talk" more and more. This morning the girls {I love the sound of that} and I were cuddling in my bed!! Alexa kept telling Addi "good morning" in the silliest, high pitched voice. Addi was smiling like crazy and trying to talk back!!! Its so funny when they try so hard to get a noise out, and when they finally do its like they almost scare themselves. It was such a sweet moment. I so badly wanted to run and get my camera to capture it, but it was one of those moments I didn't want to miss a second of either!!! Such a special time!
5. Today, our little dog Lucy turned 5!!! Although, with each new addition to our family, Lucy has moved down the totum pole, she will always have a special place in our heart! She was my Christmas present from Jonathan right before we got married!!! That is why its so hard for me to believe she is 5!!!! Just seems crazy that our 5 year anniversary is coming up! Lucy is quite the diva dog {she sleeps in our bed and will only drink water from a drinking glass}, but she has been amazing with our girls!!! Alexa tortures her all day long.... its like she loves Lucy so much, she just wants to smother her! Lucy is so patient with her, and in return Alexa shares a lot of food with her!! Alexa wakes up every morning asking for Lucy!!! They really are great friends!!!
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Happy 2-Month Birthday Addi Joy!
I know I will say this every month, BUT I really can not believe that my teeny baby is already 2 months old!!! I feel like I can not remember life before she was here, but in the same breath I feel like I just found out I was pregnant!!! Time flies by way too fast. I wish I could just push a pause button and stop life so I can take a deep breath, capture it all, and then file it away so I will remember every little detail!!!!
The past two months have been crazy {sometimes just utter choas}, but they, without a doubt, have been the best of my life!!! My two sweet girls have forever changed my life, and I can not imagine what I would do without them!!
Addilyn is slowly turning into a little person!! Its so much fun when they start to focus on you when you talk to them and acknowledge that you even exist! She is definintely starting to smile more and more and really listens when you talk to her!! Her acid reflux is improving, thanks to the maximum dosage of medication. She is drinking about 3 oz. of formula at every feeding and for the most part keeps it down. Everyday she becomes more and more content. She is typically fussy in the evenings, but that is to be expected. She LOVES her swing and really doesn't mind tummy time {polar opposite from her big sister}. Her head control is really good.... I am amazed how well she can hold her head up and look around. She continues to be a great sleeper. For the last 2 weeks, she goes to bed around 10:00pm and doesn't wake up until 5:30am-ish. She will drink her bottle quickly, and then go back down for another 2-3 hours! She has been super generous to us with her sleep schedule!
Addi had her 2-month check-up today and her first round of immunizations! She weighs 8lbs 15oz {9th %}, is 22inches long {36th %}, and has a head circumference of 15inches {33rd %}. She is still on the small side, but definitely showing improvement from her starting weight of 5lbs 12oz {3rd %}. Our doctor said she is showing all of the signs of a colicy baby, which I suspected. But, hopefully we are on the right track now! She did great with her shots... it was much harder on me than it was on her!!! I wish, more than anything, I could take all the pain from my babies and take it for myself!
Here are a few of our favorite memories of the last month!
Here was her 1-month Birthday picture!!
Alexa wanted to share her baby with Addi!! Sweet Addi can sleep through anything!!
Mimi & Papi came to visit!!!
The shirt says it all! :)
She is definitely a Grammy girl!
Her first pumpkin patch visit!
Sweet girl spends a lot of afternoons like this!! Alexa plays on the swingset, while Addi enjoys the beautiful weather and fresh air in her bouncy seat. She is extremely content when we are outside... I think she loves it!
She was not very thrilled with her big sister accessorizing her! Alexa sure looks proud though {or just completely guilty}!
Addilyn Joy,
We love you so much!! You are such a sweet, snuggly baby girl!! I feel so honored that God has blessed us with you and entrusted your life in our hands! You are absolutely beautiful and look so much like your daddy! Your long beautiful eyelashes are breathtaking! I am so sorry that your little tummy has hurt so much, and I desperately wish I could take it all away!! I am confident that the doctors are doing everything they can to help you feel better!! I pray everyday that you will have a soft, sweet heart as you grow and that your life would be Christ-centered! I pray that you would allow God to use you in every way for HIS glory! In your short little life, HE has already used you to touch my life and teach me so many things I didn't know about myself! I could not be more proud to be your mommy! You truly are a JOY!
I love you so much sweet Addi girl!!!
Mommy
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Isn't she cute... even when she is sick?
Alexa woke up Monday morning with a 101.6 fever!!! Having a sick baby is never fun!!! It just breaks my heart when you look in their eyes and you can just tell!!! At that moment, I would anything to take all the sickness from them, if only I had that power!!! I took her to the doctor and they said she probably just had a small virus and that she should be 100% in no time!!!
For the first time, we were successfully able to put her hair in pigtails! She has super curly hair, so it looks much shorter than it really is. I never thought it was possible, but she proved me wrong!! Isn't she cute even when she is sick!?
I sent that picture to our family and my mom immediately wrote back and said "I thought she was sick"? She was still running a fever, but she never takes a smile off of her face!! She is such a sweet, happy girl, even when she feels terrible!! I often take her to the doctor, and they don't believe me that she is sick! Yesterday was no exception. She was talking 90 to nothing the entire time we were in the doctor's office! She greeted the dr. with a big "HI" and talked about the donkey stuffed animal they had on the shelf the whole time!! The doctor told me not to even treat her fever because she was so happy {but, of course, I did}. She is such a sweet girl!!
We have been encouraging Alexa to play mommy with her baby doll the last few weeks, and all of a sudden she is really picking up on her nurturing skills!! I think having a baby sister has made her more aware of what you were really supposed to do with a doll. Her poor baby doll has a "poo-poo" diaper about 4o times a day. So tonight, she went in Addi's room, got the diaper rash cream off the changing table, and put it on her baby! It was the cutest thing I have ever seen!!! {even though that cream is like gold} Before I could take it away from her, I just had to get a few pictures!!! What a great little mommy!
Thankfully, Alexa is feeling much better today!! She woke up with a low-grade fever, but it is pretty much completely gone now!!! I am praying that we are done with it and that sweet Addi continues to stay healthy! Having a sick baby and trying to keep the other one healthy adds a whole new element!!! I don't know how mommy's with lots of babies do it!!!
For the first time, we were successfully able to put her hair in pigtails! She has super curly hair, so it looks much shorter than it really is. I never thought it was possible, but she proved me wrong!! Isn't she cute even when she is sick!?
I sent that picture to our family and my mom immediately wrote back and said "I thought she was sick"? She was still running a fever, but she never takes a smile off of her face!! She is such a sweet, happy girl, even when she feels terrible!! I often take her to the doctor, and they don't believe me that she is sick! Yesterday was no exception. She was talking 90 to nothing the entire time we were in the doctor's office! She greeted the dr. with a big "HI" and talked about the donkey stuffed animal they had on the shelf the whole time!! The doctor told me not to even treat her fever because she was so happy {but, of course, I did}. She is such a sweet girl!!
We have been encouraging Alexa to play mommy with her baby doll the last few weeks, and all of a sudden she is really picking up on her nurturing skills!! I think having a baby sister has made her more aware of what you were really supposed to do with a doll. Her poor baby doll has a "poo-poo" diaper about 4o times a day. So tonight, she went in Addi's room, got the diaper rash cream off the changing table, and put it on her baby! It was the cutest thing I have ever seen!!! {even though that cream is like gold} Before I could take it away from her, I just had to get a few pictures!!! What a great little mommy!
Thankfully, Alexa is feeling much better today!! She woke up with a low-grade fever, but it is pretty much completely gone now!!! I am praying that we are done with it and that sweet Addi continues to stay healthy! Having a sick baby and trying to keep the other one healthy adds a whole new element!!! I don't know how mommy's with lots of babies do it!!!
Happy Halloween!
Around our house, we love to drag out all of our holidays as long as we can, and Halloween is no exception! Alexa and I started out Saturday morning baking cupcakes together! This was my first attempt having little hands help in the kitchen, and I must say it was a huge success!! She had a wonderful time and I love finding fun activities we can enjoy together!
That afternoon, some of my best childhood friends stopped by for a short visit!! It is always great to see sweet friends who I miss so much! Even though our visit was not long enough, I will definitely take what I can get!!!
Around 4:00, my sister, brother-in-law, and niece Brooklyn came over to begin our celebrations!! We let the girls open up their gifts and play all evening! It was a great time!!!
Look at my little pumpkin! Isn't she the sweetest!? Happy 1st Halloween sweet girl!
Every holiday (if you can even count Halloween a holiday) we think everyone needs gifts. My husband thinks I am crazy, but I love an excuse to buy a gift!! I mean, who wouldn't want to buy these sweet little ducks lots of presents!!! It really did look like we had celebrated Christmas with all of the wrapping paper spread across the front yard!!
Our precious little ducks!! Its impossible to get a good picture of two toddlers, hopefully my sister was able to get one where they were both looking!!!
Enjoying her Sit & Spin! I had never seen one of these before, but Jonathan said it was one of his childhood favorites, so of course Miss Alexa Jayne needed one of her own! :)
Anything with a cupcake on it is a hit in Alexa's eyes!! Thank you Grammy & Pops!!!
Checking out all of her goodies from her GiGi!! Thank you GiGi!!!
Sunday, we went over to Grammy & Pops' house because cousin Brookie had spent the night! We took our cupcakes we had made the day before so the girls could decorate them together! They had so much fun! Brooklyn did great... Alexa looked for any excuse to lick the icing or sneak some sprinkles!
The final product!!!!
Unfortunately, when Alexa woke up from her nap, I could tell she was not 100%. But she was still in a happy mood, so we decided to take her out for a few festivities! Our first stop was the neighbor's house! It was like she had trick-or-treated a million times. She knew exactly what to do!
She's cute, even when she is covered in icing!
We wore Addi out quick!!! Too much fun for her!!
If you have read previous posts, you have heard about our "amazing neighbors".... well here they are!!! And, of course, they way out-did themselves again making Halloween special for our girls!! They are the best!!!
We actually got a family picture!!!
Next, we headed over to my brother and sister-in-law's house for dinner!! Alexa had a blast running around the yard and playing with the puppies!!! I think she was worn out by the time we left!!!
My beautiful girls!!! When I uploaded this picture, I couldn't help but cry!! How amazing is it that I have TWO baby girls!!! I still can not get over it!!! I have waiting my entire life to be a mommy, and I couldn't have dreamed about more amazing girls!!! I love you two more than you will ever know!!!! I mean, how cute are they!!
We ran into Addilyn's sweet friend Anneliese!! Anneliese is 20 days younger than Addi! Is she not the sweetest little bumblebee you have ever seen!!! What a doll!! I know they have lots of fun times ahead of them!
At the end of the night, we made a quick visit to our church's fall festival! Aunt Allison and Uncle Kristofer kept baby Addi so Jonathan and I could play with Alexa! The girls enjoyed a ride on a train, got a little candy, and then we called it a night!! By this point, the Tylenol was wearing off and I could tell Alexa wasn't feeling so well!!!
I would say, we had a wonderful weekend!!! Halloween 2010 was a success!!! {even if my little duck wasn't 100%}
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