Feels good to be back.

Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  The sweet sound of relief!!!  I have sooooooo terribly missed blogging... my outlet, my ME time, my time to pour my heart out!!  I definitely have not neglected this blog because I wanted to.  Life has been crazy, well more like pure and utter chaos!!!  From mid-November to the end of December, my little business took off with Christmas and wedding orders.  I created close to 80 designs during this time.  Every spare moment was consumed with cards!!  It was such a huge, huge blessing, but I rarely had a moment to breathe!!  Since Christmas our life has been full of sickness!!  With all that to say, I am finally back and OH! does IT. FEEL. GOOD!!!!!

So...

As I just looked back at my blog for the first time since November, I read my last post about fear/worry.  Talk about a stab in the heart.  I confessed in that post that worry/fear/anxiety is probably my biggest struggle.  I always fall right back into this nasty cycle, and that is where I find myself today!  In this terrible pit of darkness!  My faith has really been put to the test the past month, and I admit, I am failing.

Since mid-January, we have faced illness after illness.  Alexa was diagnosed with strep.  About a week and a half later, she started running fever again.  She was tested positive for strep throat.  She then proceeded to run a fever for 11 days straight, even on an antibiotic.  The drs grew more and more concerned, so we found ourselves in the hospital getting a urine catheter, blood work and chest xrays.  Thankfully all came back ok and they determined she just had a terrible virus.

During this time, I was experiencing a lot of chest pain, pressure and dizziness.  I mentioned it a few times, but just kept telling myself it was indigestion.  After a week of the strange feelings, I almost passed out in the middle of the store.  This really scared me.  I couldnt imagine this happening while I was alone with my babies, or even while I was holding my babies.  So, I frantically called Jonathan.  He told me I needed to go straight to the ER.  He rushed home, my mom left work to get my girls, and we went to the ER.  My EKG came back abnormal and I had an elevated D-Dimer which lead them to think I was either pregnant or had a blood clot in my lung.  I am not sure which diagnosis I found more scary!  They quickly determined I was NOT pregnant (whew!!!!) so they sent me to have a CAT scan.  Thankfully my scan came back clear too!  This left me with an unclear diagnosis as to my I had an abnormal EKG and bloodwork so I was sent to a cardiologist.  At the cardiologist, we determined my dizziness was from my extremely low blood pressure (76/60).  I did a stress test and wore a holter monitor for 48 hours.  I really felt like an 80 year old!!  After all the testing, the cardiologists determined that I have a juvenile t-wave abnormality, which basically means its normal for me to be abnormal.  I should grow out of it in time, which is hopefully the case or else I will have serious issues when I am 50.  They diagnosed me with inflamation in my chest wall which was causing the pain and ellevated blood work and told me to stay super hydrated to help mt blood pressure!  All in all, no big deal...

Last Thursday, Addilyn woke up with a fever.  She was diagnosed with her first ear infection so we put her on her first antibiotic.  She had progressively been going down hill again with her feedings and screaming bouts.  The weekend was absolutely terrible because on top of all of her other issues she had an ear infection as well!!!  I decided I had reached a breaking point and made plans to call a chiropractor who specialized in pediatrics!

The weekend, despite Addi's issues, was amazing!  We celebrated Alexa's 2nd birthday with a cupcake party!  It was oh so much fun!!!  Everything was perfect!  The party post is coming soon!!!

Monday we headed to Dr. Kip Mayo's office to have Addi evaluated!  He was extremely hopeful that we could get her fixed up and was so wonderful and helpful.  Wednesday, after 3 days of chiropractic adjustments, she had the best day of her life!!  She was perfect!!!  So happy, so content, she ate great, and even had a poopy diaper!  A true miracle!!!  I know all of the prayers played a huge role!!!

Tuesday was Alexa's 2nd birthday!  And of course, of all stinkin' days, she woke up with 104* fever.  She was diagnosed with flu A. :-(  I have never seen my girl so lifeless and pathectic.... absolutely heart breaking!  They put her on Tamiflu along with the rest of the family.  On Wednesday she broke out in hives with an allergic reaction to the Tamiflu.  Jonathan was out of town and our air conditioner broke.  My dad came and tried to fix the air, but it was an unsuccessful attempt!  It was a hot, yucky night!  Thursday morning, Addi broke out in a rash too!  Of course I assumed it was the Tamiflu, but the rash looked different and progressively got worse throughout the day.  So, now I have 2 babies covered with hives/rash in a HOT house with no A/C.  Nothing worse for a rash than heat!!  :-(  Back to the pedi we went!  Addi was not having an allergic reaction, she has a viral rash from thr cold/virus she has a week earlier that caused the ear infection!!!

Thankfully, $1000 later, we got our A/C fixed.

This morning, Alexa woke up with severe hives!!!  Like nothing I have ever seen!  We went back to the pedi again (3rd time in 4 days) and they still think its part of her allergic reaction, so Benadryl around the clock it is!!!  Addi still looks terrible, but doesn't seem to be bothered by the rash as long as she stays cool!  We finished up Addi's first week at the chiropractor and found out some other news that caused some upset as well, but we are praying that some more therapy will help!!

All in all, this week/month has been absolutely EXHAUSTING!  I feel like I have nothing left in me!  I don't know what else to do... I am mentally and physically drained!!

So as I was throwing myself a pity party, God kept putting a sweet name on my heart.  Kate McRae.  If you have never read her story, you should.  If you have never prayed for her, you should!  This beautiful sweet baby girl has been battling cancer.  Just when they thought the battle was over, it all came back.  Talk about heartbreaking, gut wrenching, every parent's worst nightmare!!  What this precious family would do to have a broken a/c or hives be their biggest concern!  I truly can not even fathom!!  Even in their lowest of lows, living out their biggest nightmare, this family has been able to rejoice!

I pray for a heart like this.  A heart that, even in the worst of times, can rejoice.  To be able to say, in EVERY circumstance, IT IS WELL WITH MY SOUL!  Lord, take me to this place!!  I know that I am yours.  I know that my babies are yours.  You love them MORE than I humanly can.  My worry, anxiety and fear are NOT from you!  It stands in the way of my relationship with you.  Take it away.  Give me faith.  I want to trust you more!  No matter how terrible my day, week, month or year have been, I want to see Your hand above all else!!!!  Forgive me for thinking I have any control or can do any of it on my own!  You alone are God and it is well with my soul!