A heavy heart.

I have not blogged this week because I just wasn't sure I had any words.  I didn't feel like there was anything good, purposeful, enlightening, or happy that I could say.  I have just felt like a rollercoaster of emotions!  Plain and simple, my heart has just felt heavy.  You know the feeling?  Like someone punched you in the gut.  That constant lump in your throat.  That uneasy stomach because something just isn't right.

So, what was causing all of these terrible thoughts and feelings?!

WORRY!  Yes, by nature, I am one of those people who just worries.  I find myself worrying about the silliest of things.  Things that I have absolutely NO control over!!  This would be one thing I would love to just magically change about myself, but for some reason I always find myself right back in this miserable state.

So, what am I worried about?!

My girls!  The very second I saw that word "PREGNANT" on the test, I felt like I was carrying this weight on my shoulders.  I felt solely responsible for the teeny tiny little life that was inside of me!  I feared my entire pregnancy something would go wrong.  It was like I just knew it was all too good to be true!  I remember thinking, "I just can't wait until I can hold my baby, then I won't have to worry anymore".  Well, the second I got to touch my sweet girls, its like the worry grew even stronger.  I am one of those moms who checks if her baby is breathing throughout the night.  I worry about how many ounces of milk they are drinking.  I worry about the type of detergent my baby's clothes are washed in.  I am scared of the germs on the high chair at the restaurant.  Yes, I am out of my mind, crazy about worrying!

Earlier in the week, I had a few concerns about Addi.  I was up all night worrying about every detail of this "problem" I really was not even sure was a problem.  I made myself sick to my stomach and cried a lot of totally unnecessary tears.  I called one of my great friends, who is also a nurse, and sobbed on the phone to her.  She kept reassuring me I was worrying for nothing, and offered to come over to ease my fears.  I TOTALLY trust her opinion, but for some reason, I was just not finding comfort.  I needed more assurance.  So, the next day we went to the doctor.  I sat in the exam room and sobbed.  The doctor basically looked at me and told me I was crazy!  I am sure she was thinking "the child is fine... but you are the nut case lady"!  She told me I was worrying for nothing, but that she would refer me to a specialist if I wanted further confirmation.  So, of course, I got in the car, pulled out my cell phone and called the specialist.  I told the receptionist that answered the phone that I needed an appointment THIS week.  She chuckled and told me that the doctor could see me in March and that the cost to even walk in the door was $400.  MARCH???  $400????  Was she really serious?  I hung up the phone even more upset.

But then it was like I felt this small whisper from God.  "Stop.  Just stop.  Quit worrying.  I am in control.  Cast all of your cares upon me!"  For the first time in 48 hours, I think I took a deep breath.  I took a step back and reflected on the words I had just heard.  I felt this peace I had not felt in a long time.  I began to cry, but this time they were tears of thankfulness, not fear.  Thankfulness that I have a God I can depend on.  A God who knows my heart.  A God who knows all of my fears.  And, a God who cares about each one of them.  BUT, ultimately He is a God who is in control of it all!

Even before conception, MY God had a plan for both of my girls.  Alexa and Addilyn were born for a purpose.  A purpose that my crazy, obsessive, worrying will not change.  My constant fear will not enhance the purpose God has set out for each one of them.  I can not find my comfort in what the doctor says or doesn't say.  My comfort must come from Him!

It's ok for me to be cautious and take responsible action for my girls, but I must KNOW that ultimately it is out of my control.  What a burden that lifts from my heart!!!!  Its hard for me to realize sometimes that I am not in control.  BUT, what an amazing promise to hold on to.  Our God does not go off duty.  He never takes a break.  He is a GOOD God and He does GOOD!

Lord, please use my life and the life of my girls to bring YOU glory!!  Let us praise You in whatever season we may be in.  Take my fear, my worry, my idea that I am in control and crush it all!  Give me peace to know that You are a mighty, powerful God who loves me and wants the best for my life, even if its not what I think or what the world thinks is best.  Your plan is all that matters.  And as I pray this with a heavy heart, its a heart of thankfullness and gratitude for the amazing comfort that you bring.  THANK YOU for trusting me with these precious girls, but constantly remind me that all of our trust needs to lie in YOU!  You are a GOOD God!  Amen.